Saturday, May 9, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Today I went back to Osceola to visit my parents.  As I always do, I went up to the cemetary to visit Rob alone.  As I was sitting there next to him, I couldn't help but think: "This is so messed up that I'm visiting my husband in a cemetary."  I see this dirt mound with 10 American flags sticking out all over it and have a hard time picturing my Rob laying there.  This is the continuing ride on the emotional roller coaster.  I'll be having a good day and then something will trigger my sadness and I'll breakdown--if only for a few moments.  The other day I was going through Julia's school bag.  In it I found a card she had written and drawn.  It said "To daddy.  From Julia."  On it she drew a picture of the four of us.  She then wrote "I miss you.  I love you."  I found another picture she had drawn.  In the middle was a big cross.  On the cross she wrote "We love God!"  Then she drew pictures of birds and grass.  On the top there were 2 people.  One was labeled "God" and the other "Daddy".  Bless her heart.  I find comfort in knowing she is expressing herself through drawing.  Later that day, I was going through Eva's toy box.  At the bottom, I found the daddy doll.  This is a doll we had made for the girls before Rob deployed.  It is a small pillow with Rob's head to toe photo on it.  I took it out and gave it to Eva.  She grabbed it and kissed it.  When she did that, I broke down in tears.  Well, Eva thought this was hilarious seeing mommy crying like that and started laughing at me!  What a way to cheer mommy up!  Little turkey.  I know that life as I knew it before Rob died will never be the same.  He will always be a part of me just not in the physical form.  Mother's day this year has so much more meaning to me.  The last gift I ever received from Rob was a hammock he bought me for Mother's Day last year.  He knew how much I wanted one, so he went out and bought me one, hung it on the tree, and surprised me by having me come out and see it.  I was so happy.  I'm anxious to get that put up at my new house.  I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful mom and mother in law.  I thank God everyday for them.  When times are tough, I know I always have them loving and supporting me.  My mother in law has been so supportive and has helped me with the girls SO much!!  My mom has comforted me on those rough days and been by my side every single day.  If I can be half the mom my mom is, I would be thrilled.  So, thank you Barb for loving me like one of your own daughters.  And thank you Mom for giving me the strength and encouragement to get through this so I can be the best mom I can be for my girls.  Happy Mother's Day to the best moms in the world!

23 comments:

Jodee Leader said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you celebrate your first Mother's Day without Rob. Life is so unfair :(

Sending you lots of hugs this weekend :)

Paige Tyler said...

Happy Mother's Day to you Dena Beana!

I haven't forgotten!!!

Heather Seminelli said...

Happy Mother's Day Dena! I can't beleive how big the girls have gotten since I last saw them. I'm glad to see you are settling in, and you're still in our prayers.

Heather & Mike Seminelli

The Bender's said...

Happy Mother's Day to the strongest, most compassionate mother I have ever known. You are a beautiful woman, mother, daughter, sister, friend inside and out. On this Mother's Day know that as you continue to take each day at a time, sometimes every minute, that there are many loving you and find inspiration in you to become the person God intended us to be. You are a shining example of God's love, endurance, and the fact that with love all is possible. Hug on your girls today and know they have the BEST possible Mommy ever!
We love you, Dena. And are just a small part of your World-Wide network of support!
And if that hammock isn't up by the time we visit in the future, we will make it happen!
Love you,
Karen and the rest of the Bender Bunch!

Heather said...

Dena,
Happy Mother's Day!!! This is my first Mother's Day and I have been so emotional. My little one is a little over 7 months so I doubt it is still hormones. I had this feeling I needed to check your site and I was so happy to see a new post from you. Reading your comments brought tears to my eyes. I cannot begin to imagine how hard these holidays are on you. You are so strong and I know that you get through each day taking one step at a time. Please know that I offer daily prayers for you, Juila, and Eva. Take care of yourself and enjoy your Mom's Day!

Heather in Helena, MT

Liz said...

Happy Mother's Day to a very inspiring Mom. Tears and prayers for you.

Anonymous said...

You always manage to cheer me up even in the midst of my sadness for you, which seems somehow ridiculous. :-) You're such a strong woman and are setting such a great example for your sweet girls. Happy Mother's Day!

Love the new blog design.

joyce said...

Happy Mother's Day.

Nancy Christian said...

I thought I would share a quote from Mother Teresa that would sum it up on those hard days: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." His trust in you is infinite, your strength and love is just as wide.

Con Besos,

Nancy

Holli said...

I have continued to read your posts and I am still amazed at the strength and perseverance you show us. I've not been through the grief you are going through right now but I have lost a child so I do understand the grief process very well. I think you are amazing....you are still in my thoughts and prayers, you and your daughters :)

Trish said...

I know this Mother's Day had to be bittersweet without Rob, but you are such an inspiration to other young Moms - Rob would be SO proud - God bless you always - Love and Hugs,
Trish Benefield
Rome, GA

Toni said...

So Sorry you have to move through these difficult times; As another military wife and mom my heart aches for you.

Rob and your family will forever be in my prayers.

Best wishes this Mothers Day and always.

From: Hanging-on-Mom in Minnesota

David M said...

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 05/11/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

Nancy said...

I really like your new blog header! Very cute. Happy belated Mother's Day to you. You are a great Mom, and you're doing a wonderful job. Those girls are just as lucky to have you, as you are to have them.

xox

Nate Schott said...

I had to grin when I visited Rob the other day, when I noticed how clean and well "groomed" his grave site looked. Just the way he would like it. That Little Eva sounds like quite the character! Hope you had a happy Mothers Day,
Nate

Marianna said...

This post brought tears to my eyes...

Happy Mother's Day!

M~

Hilary said...

Happy Mother's Day to one of the most remarkable Mothers ever!!!

Jaime Pachta said...

Hi Dena,
Cute pictures of you and your girls. I'm glad to hear you had a good Mother's Day. I'm just sorry you had to spend it without Rob. I still think of you often and pray that things will get easier for you. With Memorial Day fast approaching, I will think of Rob (and all of the other service men and women) and the sacrifice he made so we can live better lives in our country. I just wish you and the girls didn't have to pay the price for his sacrifice. :( Hang in there and when things get tough always remember that tomorrow is another day! Love, Jaime

Long-time RN said...

Wonderful pictures, Dena!
Your post brings smiles and tears. You so elequently describe the joy and pain of living each day and remembering. As others have expressed here, your stength has carried you and will continue to see you through. Your girls are blessed to have you as their mom. We think of Rob and again offer our thanks to all of your families for his service. Bless you and the girls.

Kim Decker said...

Been thinking of you a lot lately. I had a pretty rough mother's day too :( Apparently kicking the wall is a bad idea. I'm not sure where it came from. Anyway, I feel ya on the "good days, bad days" thing. Hang in there!

Amy Frelly said...

Dena,
Please know that you will be foremost in my mind and prayers this weekend as the nation remembers those who gave the ultimate gift. Our country,our world is better for Rob's presence in it and I humbly send gratefulness to you and the girls.
You continue to be a great source of inspiration.
Amy Frelly (Eric's sis)

Mary and Doug Reid said...

Thanks so much for your touching and eloquent thoughts about your girls and Rob. We especially appreciated your Mother's Day message. The day after you did, I went to the cemetery to visit my Mom and Dad, (Allan and Loretta Kresha), and Rob.
My thoughts were similar to yours as
I knelt there but you could feel the patriotism and dedication he gave to our cause. Your Julia and Eva are joys he will always see until you reunite.
Thanks also for talking about your Mom and Barb and the comfort they provide. Barb has been a superb friend to me since childhood - always giving of herself. Julia and Eva are the living proof Barb needs to connect with your dear Rob.
We will be thinking of you all on Memorial Day and what you've all given our country.
Love, Mary and Doug Reid in Omaha

Long-time RN said...

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family the Memorial Day weekend. Rob is remembered with our thanks and gratitude. Bless you Dena.