Happy Birthday Rob

October is a hard month.  Today was Rob's birthday.  He would have been 32.  A year ago I was talking to him on the phone wishing him a happy birthday.  I didn't know it would be the last time.  I can't help but think what we would have done today for his birthday.  Rob wasn't much on getting gifts, so I would probably have gotten him a card while Julia and Eva made him one, then the girls and I would have baked him his favorite cake (German chocolate) and then we probably would have gone out to eat (I'm guessing Outback since that was one of his favorites).  Days like this are so hard-harder than you expect them to be.  I'm sure all the "firsts" are, I'm just praying they get better each year.  Yesterday I told Julia that today was Rob's birthday.  She got excited and said "Yay!!" And then she caught herself.  I think for a moment, she forgot daddy was gone.  Even after almost a year, it is still easy to forget that he is gone.  I have no doubt that Rob is with us.  I can literally feel his presence.  I just wish I could touch him.  The only thing I can do is continue to move forward.  Rob will always be a part of our lives and he would want us to be happy.  But, in moving forward, I'm also letting go a bit.  Last week, I sold Rob's truck.  That was horribly bittersweet.  That was his "baby".  His pride and joy (besides his children of course!).  He LOVED that truck.  But, it just wasn't practical for me to drive.  My uncle helped me and we posted it on Craigslist.  We found someone on there who, through talking with my uncle, found out about our story.  He refused for me to take a hit on my loan after everything I had been through, and actually paid a couple hundred dollars OVER what I owed on the loan.  He said he had the utmost respect for our servicemen and women and that was the least he could do.  He wired the money to the bank and had a transporter come and get it.  Wow.  There are such good people out there.  But, when I saw the truck get loaded up, my heart was so sad.  Taking the things out of the truck that I knew Rob had put in there, was tough.  His presence was all around that truck.  But I also know Rob did not expect me to keep it.  In fact, I was so nervous driving it.  He was such a perfectionist with it, that I could literally hear him telling me not to do this or that with the truck!  I finally said out loud "Rob, if you don't like how I'm driving your truck, then you shouldn't have died and left me to take care of it. So back off!"  Then I'd hear him reply "I know babe.  You're doing a great job.  I'm just teasing you."   I'm sure people passing by thought I was a crazy lady.  :)  Even though it was still hard to see the truck go, I'm glad I waited until now to do it.  It gave me more time to get used to the fact that Rob wasn't coming back and that the truck truly wasn't practical.  When I told Julia we had sold the truck and they were coming to get it that day, she said "I want to kiss it."  She went over to the truck, kissed it and said "Don't touch that spot."  Then I said to her "Daddy really liked that truck, didn't he?"  And this is what my 8 year old replied with: "Yes, he did.  But it was hard for you to drive it and now you can get a car that YOU want and is easier for you."  Bless her heart.  She never ceases to amaze me.  So, although our daily lives are healing slowly but surely, there are these bumps in the road that cause you to rip the bandage off.  The next couple of months, there will be lots of bandages getting ripped off.  Happy Birthday, Rob.  I know you are having the best birthday celebration!  WE LOVE YOU.